I was nine years old when my mother gathered my brothers and me in the living room and told us that our dad had died by suicide. A few years later my friend’s mother took her own life. So by the time I was 15, I had already lost two important people in my life to suicide.
By the age of 16, I was in denial about my own sexuality and was battling anxiety and depression because of that denial. I lived that way until I was 24 and two years into my Coast Guard career. That’s when I did the hardest thing: I asked for help. I received out-patient mental health counseling while I was stationed on Cape Cod. I came to terms with my sexuality, and my life turned around. I was genuinely happier and no longer felt depressed or anxious. I turn 30 in a couple of months, and I have grown so much in the latter half of my twenties. I have been at both ends of the sexuality spectrum, gender spectrum, and whatever other spectrums through which we define ourselves.
Having been on the proverbial edge, I know what darkness looks like. I also know what sunshine looks like. I can tell you this: my experiences in life have made me far more empathetic than I used to be. So, too, have my experiences in the service.
I began my career as a Boatswain’s Mate but decided to become a Culinary Specialist (CS) because I found comfort in food. Since making that transition, I’ve seen how a galley can be a hub of comfort and connection.
As a CS, I have a unique responsibility and duty to my shipmates. If food is morale, then we CSs are social workers for our units. That’s why I have an “open galley” policy; in my kitchen, my shipmates are always welcome to take a break from their work or just talk.
It's clear that many of our fellow service members are struggling. We have lost too many shipmates to suicide.
We all have a part to play in preventing suicide. We see our shipmates multiple times a day and spend more time with them than we do with our families. Therefore, we are the first people who should notice changes in behaviors or mood.
That said, people often do not know what to look for or simply do not care enough to ask. Or worse yet, they are brand new to the unit and are told that someone’s behavior is normal for them. I can tell you firsthand that if you think something is off, something is off, and it is far better to bring it up than take others at their word.
Ultimately, it’s important to remember that suicide is a tragic result of internal battles, like problems with addictions, debt and relationships. Suicide is the waterfall at the end of a dammed river. The dam is made of our support structures—friends, family, social groups (religious/spiritual), doctors, therapists, gyms, and others. The lake behind the dam is all of life’s stressors, issues and problems. For most of us, our dams stay strong, and we keep swimming in the lake. For some, though, life is stronger than the dam, and they end up in the river heading for waterfall, heading for suicide.
As friends, coworkers, family members, when we notice people in this river, we want to save them. The uncomfortable truth is that we cannot “fix” another person. But we can support them by lending an ear—and by educating ourselves on suicide prevention.
In the Coast Guard, as early as boot camp, we are taught the acronym ACE: “Ask, Care, Escort.” Many times, this simply means asking someone if they are thinking of suicide or self-harm. If they respond in the affirmative, we escort them to the Chief or Executive Officer (XO). But when our community faces suicide after suicide, Ask and Care must be a constant and critical part of our daily conversations.
We need to take an active interest in learning about each other and listening to each other. We can do better learning about suicide and what causes it—and talking openly about our own challenges. We can educate ourselves with Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training (ASIST) and safeTALK, which taught me how to better support my shipmates in their darkest moments.
It’s on us to open up to each other. If we reach for kindness and empathy, we can be there for each other.
-USCG-
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